Thursday, 26 January 2017

asd checklist

  1. I have trouble communicating with others.
  2. I feel I have odd social habits, such as an inability to participate in normal back-and-forth conversation, reduced sharing of interests and emotions, and/or a failure to initiate or respond to social interactions. 
  3. I’m bad at picking up on nonverbal forms of communication, such as body language, gestures, and facial expressions. 
  4. I have difficulty developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships.
  5. I have experienced these symptoms since I was a minor. 
  6. My symptoms have caused distress for me in social, occupational, and/or other areas of functioning. 
  7. My symptoms are not better explained by another mental disorder, substance use, or a medical condition.

doubtless that i have "trouble communicating" but far more it's about that others aren't trying to understand me, so it really isn't solely my fault. Sure, idk how to participate in so called normal conversation? Is it my fault that the other one doesn't make clear when i can say someting or that they don't give me time to say anything, so i just have to talk over them? Also since i'm not quite sure what emotions i'm feeling, if any, i'm not really keen to ""share"" them since no one ever gives a fuck, let's be real for a sec. also whenever i do, i'm accused of "overreacting" and other kinds of shit, since as i stated earlier, nobody gives a shit if i want to kill myself or whatever. Sharing interests? So others can ruin things i like for me or so they can laugh at me because of it? No, thanks? not mentioning that i dont even like stuff anymore, idk, that's more the // than autism really i guess, dont know though may be executive dysfunction fucking hard to say. tbh i DO fail initiate/respond to social interactions, cause they're confusing af like what do you want me to say? idk and you don't know either but you will keep talking till im dead and even then you wont fucking stop, just keep talking to my corpse, it won't be really that much of difference so you may not even notice

i'm not sure what to think about the bad at nonverbal com thingy? because it's just discribed as body language/gestures/facial expressions and i dont know?? maybe i dont pick it up? maybe i do? i think i can tell when someone's sad, but maybe i dont really get the more complicated kind of stuff, which may be why ↑↑failing communication is a thing, since hella lot of ppl just expect you to be as neurotypical as possible

relationships are difficult for everyone though? like half of movies are solely about relationships theyre ohsoimportant for allos so idk; but then i wouldnt know how to make friends since no one gives a shit what i want to talk about as long as they can talk about whatever disgusting thing they want. so really who has difficulty understanding relationships? i know how they SHOULD function but apparently no1cares about the theoretical rules that would 100% work cause it's apparently better to act like a

i was told that my nonverbal communication is zero. like that i'm too calm??! yeah excuse me for not being a drama queen, is this a shakespeare company and associates or is this real life(tm) because if you need me to provide my monologue with gestures and faces then you just don't want to really listen to me? you don't want to bother listening? you just want to kind of guess?! like pick up on the general idea/emotion and then react asůjkyxolkfjasd idk i just hate allistic people so much i don't even CARE how they think i should act or whatever. like it took me years to learn to do the allistic voice and now i talk so allistically that they can't even tell i guess, since didn't say that i would talk in an odd way. although before i knew i was autistic i used to have trouble with talking "too quietly" like bitch?? im yelling here?? are you deaf or ?? but also with being "way too loud"" what the fuck do you want??! and obviously like thousand comments about how ""quickly"" i talk. i dont talk quickly bitch you're just too fucking slow
obviously the more traits i know about the more my childhood makes sense. unbelievable no one picked up on it though? everyone just thought i was weird and that's it? like "she's shy/quiet" and that was it for them. cause they weren't in my head. i genuinely spent a lot of time reasearching mental illnesses (so much i thought i wanted to be a psychiatrist lol) because i was desperately trying to find out why am i the odd one out. always and everywhere? but obv the first time around i stumbled upon "asperger's" the ""information"" i was given was all about children. so obv my conclusion was that i can't possible have anything to do w/ that cause i'm not a child. boy was i wrong. even though it took me ages to accept it because it felt a lot like invading a community i don't belong to? even though i obviously belong to?? maybe because of my previous experience w/ communities (cause being asexual is like illegal or something apparently!!)

  1. I use repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech when communicating with others.
  2. I prefer sameness, and I rely on routines. Small changes can cause me a lot of stress.
  3. When I become interested in something, I experience it intensely and can become very attached and focused. 
  4. I am hypersensitive to the world around me.
i'm a stimming monster. i've always stimmed without knowing why the hell am i doing this odd thing?? initially i though it was some kind of ocd thing. picture: me walking from place A to place B and from B to A repetetively with special attention to the turning point, me picking my skin until everyone starts nastily commenting on it and then keep picking up on my skin, me putting everything into my mouth, me fiddling with my hands, me fiddling with anything that can be fiddled with, etc

i'm not really sure about the speech thingy? i know i was trying to insert some patterns into my communication w/ others, also nicknames because ♪ false feeling of intimacy ♫ and just generally repeating things but i always though that was because we had nothing to talk about. i used to be really interested in unusual words so echolalia was happening

truly sameness is the best. no idea why would people want to do different things every day?? like why bother?? i like /this thing/ so why not do it everyday? i like to do it /this way/ so why would i change it? illogical. and like if you move my stuff or force me to change my plan in last minute? i just may have a meltdown as well you know...

idk about SI though? cause i think i do have them but im no good at them? and it's... idk im still trying to figure this one out. im def too much emotionally attached to stuff that shouldn't matter that much. like just how empty i felt after tfp? yeah...

everything's too loud, there's too much light in the room i can't sleep, stop shouting! what do you mean you're not shouting?!,  it's too hot in here please kill me, this clothes is too tight let's play murder!!... quite often meltdowns because of sensory overload

  1. I have difficulty picking up on sarcasm.
  2. I often use overly literal language.
  3. I have difficulty opening up to others and sharing my emotions.
  4. I feel anxiety in social situations.
  5. I am uncomfortable with making eye contact with others.
  6. I am clumsy.
  7. I self-harm.
  8. Sometimes I shut down and just don’t want to speak at all.
  9. I have trouble with perspective and understanding others’ viewpoints.
  10. I have difficulty self-analyzing and therefore have difficulty letting people know how I’m feeling and expressing my needs.
  11. I often find myself at a loss for words.
  12. I am easily overwhelmed when there are too many people.
  13. I participate in self-stimulation (or “stimming”), flapping hands/arms, spinning, or needing to apply pressure to certain parts of my body.
  14. I come off as harsh sometimes because I have difficulty understanding others.
  15. If someone upsets my routine, it triggers my anxiety.
  16. I have a sensitivity to light and sound.
  17. I have difficulty with “me” vs “we” thinking. 

i don't think i have trouble with sarcasm? i'm often sarcastic. it's one of my coping mechanisms. and i don't think i would be "overly literal" i'm more about "weird" metaphors

ok here's the thing. i don't have problems with sharing an emotion as long as i know i have an emotion and i know what kind of emotion that is and i know why am i having the emotion because if i don't check all of those allistics don't know what i'm on about. but anyway i either don't share or "overshare" because being honest about your emotions is apparently not good? because i was told "well it doesn't really matter what you said because you were obv being hysterical" no bitch i was sharing and you didn't give a shit and my brain panicked and went to a meltdown setting

anxiety in social situations? is an autistic thing(tm)? what the fuck? im anxious as hell. like i have trouble even shopping. let alone job interviews and shit like that.

eye contact is hell and should be illegal and i don't know why it is required and the last time i tried it she started like chuckling?? nothing was funny?? i was kinda more looking at her eyebrows because i wanted to fake eyecontact not real eyecontact (tm) cause that physically HURTS and like!! have mercy set fucking fire to me!!

maaaan am i clumsy? i bump into everything. things fall out of my hands because i forgot i was holding them etc honestly i'm disaster on legs.

hmmmmm well i used to selfharm. again. didn't know that was an autistic thingy(tm)

i remember this recent terrifying shut down. i was upset and i was crying but then someone/!/ touched me even though this someone/!/ is bloody well aware i HATE touching and well basically i couldn't move or speak and breathing was difficult and i just (i first shouted at /!/ to stop touching me and leave) and then just ???? for ???? amount of time. but generally im not sure if that ever happened to me before. like sure sometimes i don't want to talk at all. it's just i thought that was.... normal saůlkvjůxc lmao

yeah i do have trouble w/ others viewpoints. because first of all i have to remind myself that they don't think the way i do... and then i'm trying to be all allistic but empathy just isn't working so? all in all i don't really care about other's viewpoints

like i mentioned above. mostly i don't know how i feel. but also other needs like food and loo and stuff like that is just one big question mark mostly it's just habit-doing

i'm often lost for words. just opening my mouth like a fucking fish.

i am easily overwhelmed nevertheless but crowds really don't help. at. all.

wasn't stimming already in the "repetetive motor movements"? but yeah obviously. like listen i'm rocking. like i was in a movie about some """crazy""" person// starring me.

harsh? more like rude. cold. unfeeling bitch.

yeah like i said. don't upset my routine. go do spontaneous stuff w/ other allistic people and leave me the fuck alone.

i alredy said i have trouble w/ light and sound

"me" vs "we" thinking? what does that mean? i don't mess up ich form with wir form. i sometimes talk about myself in my head/or even out loud/ in wrong gender but always in singular

source of checklist

Friday, 16 December 2016


205. history. writing hectically. i'm scatching a balcony. i'm writing and writing. she erases the words from the blackboard. he's behind me. talking to me. soothing. calming. i look around to look at his face. he's got the hair he really has, black thick hair, short and messy. he's more realistic than when i'm imagining him. it feels real. his breath is warm. i can feel it. it's so real. we talk. it's not awkward. we understand each other. we laugh. i'm thinking about how this would be a moment when we could kiss. he kisses me on the cheek. it surprises me so much a wake up. 

i feel guilty about the dream. he goes away, i won't ever see him again, i'm aware of it, i think my brain is trying to keep me alive. i was thinking about sxharm these past few days, maybe my brain is trying to kick me to life. it's like a note that says: remember when you were trying. and the whole morning i was thinking about how i look and i wanted to go to wash my hair and i was looking out of the car window the way i used to, i felt the way i used to half a year ago, when i still had the chance to see him, not to talk to him, not to be with him, not to be his friend or a companion or whatever, just be around him, in the same room. he's so far away and if i knew i had any chance to see him i would go back to what i used to be like. 

i didn't change. at all. i thought i stopped with the erroring but just one glimpse in my brain told me otherwise. will i ever stop? will i ever have someone else on my mind in this way? or will i forever be stuck with his blurry image?

Wednesday, 16 November 2016


how do you start a relationship?
usually with a fight?
a fist fight?
any fight.
can't you just give them...
a kiss? too soon
...a business card?
what do you have in your refrigerator?
dissolved things.
why is that?
i would rather have my food in an ice cave.
where would it be?
in my bathroom.
why there?
i could eat while i'm in the bath.
do you bath often?
i would.
how would you keep it frozen?
computers most probably.
why computers?
computers do everythings these days, don't they?
do you go abroad often?
i do have a passport.
do you use it often?
sometimes i stay in hotels. the room always looks the same. whatever the country. whichever hotel. it's always the same room, isn't it?
i don't think so.
i do. i always stare at the wall behind the other chair. the better chair.
which one?
the better one.
why do you sit in the worse one?
because the other one is for the guest.
what guest?
i don't know yet.
oh, it's freezing.
sorry, i forgot your name?
nevermind that.
which magazine is this interview for?
i told you.
tell me again.
the perfumed one.
yes, we have perfumed pages.
but what kind of magazine is it?
you'll be on the front page.
what about...
the name may change next week.
...the bruises you have?
never mind that.
would you like my bussiness card?
i would like to know which kind of bars do you go to?
i quite like the neon lights but i wouldn't want to live anywhere near them.
i see.
now, tell me about the bruises.
tell me about your affairs.
did someone hurt you?
do you take your lovers to your hotel room?
was it because of this? is someone else listening?
do you take them to motels?
is someone forcing you to do this?
how cheap are the motels?
take my bussiness card.

Sunday, 23 October 2016

vyjádřením dvojí negace

actually i'm quite upset about /things in general/ recently. since the dilemma doesn't seem to be able to solve itself somehow magically and they just keep pressuring me into even more selfhatred (if it's even possible - please).

apart from that i seem to be less and less interested in /everything ever done, mostly written, let's be honest/ and i'm gonna have to embarassed myself in the library once again since there's no way i'm gonna finish iliad in a week, that's just not realistic

that's just so me tbh, from other news: turns out my whole so called personality or so called quirks or so called problematic behaviour is and always was autistic behaviour as a matter of fact but obviously she won't accept that would she, i mean, she would have to learn how to read in the first place. for starters being in the dark, also lying down when having an emotion, wearing the same clothes for comfort, the way i talk, the way a sit, the way i walk, the way i feel, etc.

ok now i don't even know if it could be classified as a special interest but i'm quite obsessed w/ richard ayoade these days which is partly embarrassing and party very nerdy, what am i saying? it's not embarassing, but the people /so called friends/ def won't get it. which is sad, since it's not like they're superintelectual or something, regardless on the fact they go to uni while i'm sitting at home crying cause i don't seem to be able to get a job, i think it would be nice if k bothered to text me on fb as if it was hard or something? since it was her who was all "well it's the last time, how DARE you not want to come" etc bs and now she doesn't ""catch up"" since august which was pathetic let's be honest. it's kinda crazy that she never really wanted to talk to me during the holidays EVER while acting as if it was because of me. like girl you know you're the busy one. there is no way she doesn't know that? also the august thing was all about her anyway, she could have told that to anyone, when she doesn't want to talk to me than why, i ask, did she wanted me to be there? also her misleading question are really bothering and "you're going too far now" bs even though she could be talking about penetration and that would be alright and if i said it was too much she would act as i was oversensitive or childish or whatever.

but that's not the point. she - or the others - wouldn't even /try/ to understand why i'm interested in this or that or they won't even listen or care idk it's quite weird? like why would you talk to someone when you don't really want to talk to them? why to pretend being friends when you're not interested in the friendship? that's the question. anyway luckily i won't ever have to see them again. which means, obviously, i'm going to have to talk to other people who i don't know and that scares me to enourmous widths.

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Something new

Since the time i know im autistic it /is/ weird so maybe when i’ll blog about it i will eventually get ready for the real world even though i am not interested in passing allistic as if it was horribly important.

But obviously people won’t ever stop saying horrible things, since they’re ignorant and now when it looks like i’m gonna have to stand there and watch it happening…

My type came off as "thinking" and mother complains i "analyze everything too much" and "considering that you’re all logical…" as if i was Spock or idk. I originally though i was infj but intj? Such an unimportant change and still it is a /change/ as it is.

Not even mentioning the dilemma(tm) that keeps going and doesn’t seem to be able to come to a satisfying end, which obviously doesn’t help one bit since aut is connected to this dilemma. Internet considers all the available installations not-good.jpg [for me, personally] and all the stuff it considers good.jpg for intj aren’t available for whatever reason. Where are the installations that need my functions? Where are they? Are they hiding? Do they even exist?

Looking forward to [january] since tis the season as one would say. But now thinking about it i’m not /quite/ sure i actually do look forward to it since i’m feeling the blues for a little too long and that could me i won’t ever enjoy anything as much as i potentially [aut] could.